Rob's Blog

“Bring me back a monkey”
08th Aug 2007 19:08

Almost every time any someone tells me they're going on holiday I ask them to bring me back a monkey. Not a full grown gorilla, just a small monkey. Obviously a monkey would make the greatest pet in the world. I'm fairly sure that training it to open and deliver cold beers from the fridge would only take a matter of months. Girls would love my pet monkey because it would be exotic, cute, and have lovely eyes. The lads would also like my pet monkey because it would be trained to take sneaky up-skirt pics with their mobile phones. If my pet monkey got caught whilst gathering voyeristic porn he would plead 'cuteness' and make everyone forget by fetching another round of beers from the fridge. It's often been a source of disapointement that nobody has ever actually brought me a monkey back from their holidays. It transpires this is because my friends don't wear hats. According to a BBC report today a man was caught "smuggling a monkey onto a flight from Florida by hiding it under his hat". Perhaps most importantly "the monkey appeared to be healthy" - (Passenger 'hid monkey under hat' - BBC, August 8th). It sounds like he was caught doing something that hasn't ever been done before. Which immediately makes me wonder how many times other people have succeeded in doing exactly the same thing. I'm sure that someone - if not several people - in the world read that news article and smugly thought "heh, glad I got away with it!" before their monkey fetched them another cold beer. I'm still going to ask friends to bring me back a monkey whenvever they go on exotic holidays. But now I'm going to buy them a hat first.